The Pirate's Blog

Sure, we’ve all got Sunday nights planned out. Put out a huge spread of sheep intestines and Mead and have the pirate family over for a Reba watching party. But, a security guard at The Reba Show (whom I bribed with bear claws and Yoo-Hoo) told me what the cast is doing for the season premier of Reba this Sunday. Steve Howey and his puppeteer friends will recreate every scene from the show on his front lawn for his neighbors. Rumored guest puppeteer – George Takai from Star Trek. Melissa Peterman suffers from deep bouts of performance anxiety and will be curled up in her garage until Reba calls her and tells her that she did great. Chris Rich will be at The Mall of America hosting their new “Watch TV at The Mall” event. He will then be signing his new book, “If These Lips Had Ears.” Joanna will do what she’s always done on Sunday nights – read to deaf kids. Because of her recent run in with Lindsey Lohan, Scarlett Pomers’ court mandated bed time is 7 pm, so she will miss the shows. And Reba… what will Reba do? Well, since she recently purchased the Canadian province of Saskatchewan, she will be watching the show at the Vicroy’s (that’s what they have, right?) compound in Regina. During commercial breaks she will be submitting legislation to the Parliament. So pour yourself a tankard of grog and ready yourselves for a half-season of Reba. That’s all we got… so far.The Pirate

I have a new recruit/informer who enlisted for duty aboard our majestic vessel – Pirate Reba. He claims to be a writer on the Reba staff. I thought he might be lying, but 1. He wanted to meet at a Starbucks. 2. He looked really nerdy, and 3. He laughed at all his own bad jokes. That’s a sitcom writer if ever I saw one. So my writer-pirate-spy tells me that the writers have been secretly writing bumper sticker slogans for Ralph Nader for years. Gems like “Nader – It’s patriotic to throw your vote away!” and “Don’t blame me, I voted for the guy in the cheap suit!” So after the mid term elections, the government needed to kick some butt somewhere… so they went after subversive hippies. The US attorneys office has been working with the CW network for months trying to capture hippies… and develop crappy new sit-com ideas. Mission 50% accomplished. The writers were tipped off and quickly outsourced their scripts to New Delhi while they ran to hide in a Coffe Bean & Tea Leaf in Marina Del Rey. But don’t worry, those Indian kids are cranking out 4 to 5 scripts a day. When the CW airs these shows, don’t be surprised to see Reba as a many-breasted fertility goddess, and Mitch changing into Garuda. The half-man, half-vulture god of running out of a room. Aside from that, it’ll be about the sameOnce my writer-spy hit his 12th Chai Tea, he just started rambling so I had to leave him. But it shows that the Reba show is marshalling on despite all attacks. I am sensing a sea change… and pirates know the sea.

My secret pirate in the CW Network accounting department has big news. First, I had to listen to 30 minutes of why I should switch to a Roth IRA and then he dropped this cannon ball… NEW EPISODES OF REBA MAY BEGIN AIRING ON NOVEMBER 5TH! Is this for real, or a corporate disinformation campaign designed to send our ship off course? Well, here’s how my nebbishey friend said it went down: The corporate CW attorneys were racking up thousands of hours fabricating a bogus, paper-thin case against PirateReba. The accountants took those invoices to the network honchos and said, “It’d be cheaper to put Reba on the air than pay all these lawyers.” The “creative” people said, “Hey, we have an idea, why don’t we put Reba back on the air!” They all congratulated themselves on their genius, and went to the zoo to throw rocks at the baby seals. Sooo, as long as my source isn’t a secret double agent for the CW, we should be on the air! But we still have work to do. The CW has only ordered 13 episodes of Reba. As of Thanksgiving… no more Reba! We must pirate on!The Pirate

So there I was having a beer with my new best friend, I’ll just call him The Reba Show Squealer. My wife thinks I’m gay for him because we talk on the phone all the time. But, I reminded her of my wedding vows, “till death do us part… or ‘till it looks like I have a shot with Reba McEntire.” Aaaaaaanyway, The Squealer tells me that the cast of Reba is looking at different movie offers. And rightly so! Just imagine how much taller they’d be on the big screen. Melissa Peterman preformed at a big “I Hate Cancer” benefit, despite the noisy “We Love Cancer” protestors out front. A big movie producer saw her, and wants her to do his big action movie where a Minnesota farm girl goes to Iraq to “fight the cancer over there, so we don’t have to fight it here.” Amen. Joanna apparently flirted with Stephen Spielberg at a Simon Wiesenthal Museum of Tolerance benefit. Some thought it was inappropriate, but how else can you get Spielberg to suggest you’d be great in A.I.-2! Congratulations Jo! Steve Howey, on the tails of super hit Supercross and the upcoming… I think it’s called Ninja Charlie’s Angels But Without Charlie or The Angels… is testing for a Lions Gate drama about Steve Irwin the crocodile hunter. Steve is up for the role of “Gator Wrestler #2.” You’re a shoe in, Steve! Chris Rich may be writing, producing, directing, and staring in a tour-de-force, one-man, art-house, experimental film on the life of the inventor of yogurt. It’s supposed to be enlightening and, dare I say, cultured. Reba is rumored to be about to star in a movie about herself. The twist is… she’s playing her husband Narvil. She will be played by the guy who was Ralph Malph in “Happy Days.” Who knows her husband better than Reba! And who knows Reba better than Ralph Malph! I’ve pitched my tent at Growman’s Chinese Theater already! Scarlette may play a hooker in a new Steven Soderberg film, but it hasn’t been written yet, and Jodi Foster may want the role. It’s up in the air. So… after nine beers, I think that I have all of my “facts” straight. The CW better sign the Reba cast to a long term deal, or they’ll lose them quick to the free market. C’mon, no one wants to see Scarlette play a hooker! Save her CW, save her! The Pirate.

As episodes of Reba sit gathering dust on the shelves of the CW offices, their attorneys are piling up the billable hours trying to stop Pirate Reba. My mole at the network tells me that this is how it went down: Three CW attorneys walked into a men’s room and the attendant says, “Is the toilet overflowing again?” Okay, I made that up. But I did hear that the CW can’t take a joke. They had a big meeting, and both of their smart executives were there. They talked about this Pirate Reba site, and didn’t know what the fuss was about. They thought that Reba was on the air! Then the cleaning lady pointed out that the new Reba’s weren’t on the air. The CW people assumed that someone smarter than themselves must have made that decision, so it must be right. They still had 20 minutes left in the meeting, so they did what they always do with their spare time… they tore up photos of unicorns, puppies, and angels. So I took down the creepy-green CW parody page in solidarity with unicorns. But, The Pirate will still fight to get Reba back on the air. You can’t scare a pirate. The Pirate

So there my friend was, working on the Reba show, when the dog shit hits the fan. Apparently, Joanna Garcia has two dogs, named Marble & Chirper, I think. So that singer Kelly Clarkson was on the show and Marble & Chirper attacked her new Kate Spade handbag. If that bag were a kitten or a very small pony, it would have been dead. Kelly was like, “What idiot owns these stupid dogs?” And Joanna was like, “What idiot owns a bag that looks like a kitten or a very small pony?” And Kelly was like, “Shut up!” And Joanna was like, “No, you shut up!” And then, just before they fought (which would have been hot) a stage guy brought them both popsicles and they calmed down. Come to find out, Joanna was jealous of Kelly’s greater number of psychotic, obsessed fans. And, Kelly has way more run ins with jerk-off paparazzi guys than Joanna. Joanna sicked her dogs on the bag using the German phrase “Gettin Ze Das Bag!” Kelly still thinks it was her fault and that her bag threatened the dogs. The moral of this story is that famous people shouldn’t have purses. That’s why they invented pursenal assistants. The word ‘purse’ is right there in their names! Duh. Anyway, that’s the way my friend tells it. He’s a confused guy though and not legally sane. He thinks that Lost is a reality show – like Survivor. But it’s plausible, because girls do tend to fight over handbags, boys, and pieces of cake. The Pirate